Stop Pretending.

So I know I haven’t written in a while, I have just been our here pretending I’m okay. During this time I was even able to convince myself that I was okay, and that I’m happier and that everything is just dandy.

Well fuck. Guess who came knocking on my door tonight? Reality.

I think the worst thing that anyone can ever do, is pretend that they are okay. Stop showing the world that fake smile and start telling yourself the truth.

I am not okay. Not yesterday, not today and most definitely not tomorrow. But one day I will be, and I look forward to that point.

Long distance is hard. F*ck.

There is only a 58% success rate when it comes to long distance relationships. It said that the 4 month mark is seen as the hardest, most emotionally difficult month of all time. Most long distance couples say that it is the intimacy that they miss the most.

I am in the 4th month of my long distance relationship and fuck, it’s hard. For a long time I prayed and asked God just to bless me with the right guy. I have made so many mistakes with regards to relationships, and all I wanted was one person, that I wanted nothing else but love from. Guess what?…

God answered my prayers. He sent me a man that loves me for me. That doesn’t want me to change anything about me. He loves every single fault, every imperfection. He loves me, and that’s something I have never felt before. Not even by my own father. I on the other hand, love him just as much. Maybe even more.

You would think that having this intense, strong love for one another would make it easier. But it doesn’t. It will never get easier and I’m starting to realize this. However, just because it’s not going to get easier doesn’t mean you should give up. If that strong, intense love is there then why will you let a little diffifuly affect you.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. And that’s exactly what I intend to do with this relationship. The harder it gets, the more I’m going to remind him, how much I love him, and I know it will be reciprocated.

Don’t allow the difficult times to blind you from the love that you deserve. Remind each other of their worth to you, remind them of the times you have been able to spend time together.

If it’s worth it, it will all fall into place. I believe my relationship is worth it. This is me reminding you how much I love you, and how every time we are together we have these uncontrollable laughed. Never ending memories.

We will get through this, and everything else that comes our way.

What’s wrong with me.

Why is it that the minute something good comes into my life, or something good happens, I fuck it fuck up.

I have recently fallen deeply and completely inlove with someone. As cliché as it sounds, I have never felt this way before. It’s all going great, until I start over thinking. Wondering if after 4 days of not speaking to him, if he still feels the same.

I have noticed that I started speaking to him differently, not in the sense that I have fallen out of love. More of, how can he still like me. Therefore I am constantly holding back. I have never been loved so much by someone before, not even by my own parents. Now, that I have found someone who does I am struggling to fully put my heart out because my life has been a ball of dissapointments, so how could one person change this.

I know in my heart these issues are all arising from having a father who chose not to love me, and no I have this idea in my mind that everyone out there is somehow going to hurt me one day. How can one person make me feel so worthy and so deserving after having a life time of feeling that I’m not worth much, and deserving of anything. I don’t even know what to think or what to do anymore.

Gosh, what’s wrong with me?…

Dissapointment.

Dissapointment. What a strong, life changing word.

What is it about me that constantly causes people to think that I am disappointed in them. One thing I know about myself, is that I have an extremely strong personality. Which not everyone can get along with. However, I know for sure that I am the most loyal person I know.

Due to the fact that I have a strong personality I think people find it easier to be Mean or harsh because they have this assumption that I will be able to handle it. Well, I can’t.

I am a person just like you, and I have feelings Рclich̩ I know.

To me the word dissapointment does not just mean to dissapoint someone. It means to break trust or the sense of loyalty that people have with me. It’s knowing that I am no longer reliable. It means that in times of troubles, you will remember this moment and not want to call me, but rather someone else.

Before you get to make the assumption that because I have a strong personality I can handle everything. Stop, and think. Because everyone has a breaking point.

And my breaking point lies in the word dissapointment.

When? Never.

I’m feeling trapped. Stuck. The worst part is, I’m not trapped in my own life. I’m trapped in everyone else’s but mine.

Everyone comes to me with their issues, their gossip, their negativity. But, before you ask, no. No, I can’t stay no. I can’t say stop. I can’t. I refuse to dissapoint my friends or my family.

Sure, maybe me feeling trapped is my own fault, but when do I get to be happy. When I do get to go to a friend and tell them how I am feeling? When can I go to a friend and tell them that I am no longer okay?

I guess as long as I have these friends and family members, I guess the answer to that will be, never.

Unknown

My whole family has decided to pack our shit and leave this poisonous place. For a long time, that’s all I ever wanted. But now, I’m not so sure anymore.

I get my BA degree at the end of the year, but the idea of us moving and starting a new life scares me. Do I continue my studies at an institution that I hate, an institution that has ripped my passion away from me, from my soul. Or do I do my own thing. So I start my own little photography and videography business. Or Do I stay in Durban. Start something here.

The anxiety that comes with this move is slowly catching up to me. Slowly making me scared. Because for 21 years I thought I was going in the right direction. Now, I just realised that after 21 years I have nothing to show for myself.

So what do I want to do. I us to get into a bus, car or a plane and I want us to take our cameras and dissappear. I want to get away from the pressures that come with having a supportive family. Just for a while, until I have figured everything out. What happens if I don’t figure anything out?

Well, I don’t know.

I will worry about it then.

Do not let it paralyse you.

I try and encourage others as much as I can, because I learn from what I do. Tonight, I lay in bed tearful. My heart is beating fast, I’m a little shaky. I have shortness in breath and my mind is all over the place. I feel like I’m stuck in my own life. I feel unhappy even though my life isn’t all that bad. I feel as if I can’t move, I feel paralysed. There is one thing I know for sure, is that I never want anyone to feel like this, yet there are so many that do.

Anxiety is caused by living too much in the future, and not enough in the now. I encourage people with anxiety disorder, in moments where you feel lost, stuck or even paralysed with all the fear running through your mind. Stop and breathe (easier done than said, I know). In that moment, think about all the good things that went right in your day, and for a moment forget about the amount of work you have, or about what college you going to go to, or whether your relationship will work or not. Just stop, and think about all the good that happened in the past 24 hours, and then 48 hours, and then the past week and the past month. Find gratitude in God, a high power or even the universe for the good. I find that thinking about the positive things for a while, can break the gab of feeling paralysed to being able to think straight again.

Once you have separated yourself from the fear for a while, try a breathing exercise. I have specific breathing exercises that help me. One is that I lay flat on the floor for a while. Focusing on my breathing and the way the air enters my body and how it leaves my body. I then move into a yoga position called the child’s pose. And I lay in that position for about 10 mins sometimes even longer. To lower my heart rate and slow my breathing. From there I think about what the next step is, and how I’m going to try and sort this issue out.

I know anxiety isn’t as easy as just saying stop, think and breathe. Trust me, I have anxiety attacks about four to five time a week, ranging from crying to fainting. It’s all about trying to find ways to control it, finding ways that can help you in different situations.

I am still fearful of what tomorrow holds, but today I am grateful that I got to see my family. I am grateful that I got to spend Mother’s day with my mother who is alive and healthy. Today, I am grateful that I am loved.