Do not let it paralyse you.

I try and encourage others as much as I can, because I learn from what I do. Tonight, I lay in bed tearful. My heart is beating fast, I’m a little shaky. I have shortness in breath and my mind is all over the place. I feel like I’m stuck in my own life. I feel unhappy even though my life isn’t all that bad. I feel as if I can’t move, I feel paralysed. There is one thing I know for sure, is that I never want anyone to feel like this, yet there are so many that do.

Anxiety is caused by living too much in the future, and not enough in the now. I encourage people with anxiety disorder, in moments where you feel lost, stuck or even paralysed with all the fear running through your mind. Stop and breathe (easier done than said, I know). In that moment, think about all the good things that went right in your day, and for a moment forget about the amount of work you have, or about what college you going to go to, or whether your relationship will work or not. Just stop, and think about all the good that happened in the past 24 hours, and then 48 hours, and then the past week and the past month. Find gratitude in God, a high power or even the universe for the good. I find that thinking about the positive things for a while, can break the gab of feeling paralysed to being able to think straight again.

Once you have separated yourself from the fear for a while, try a breathing exercise. I have specific breathing exercises that help me. One is that I lay flat on the floor for a while. Focusing on my breathing and the way the air enters my body and how it leaves my body. I then move into a yoga position called the child’s pose. And I lay in that position for about 10 mins sometimes even longer. To lower my heart rate and slow my breathing. From there I think about what the next step is, and how I’m going to try and sort this issue out.

I know anxiety isn’t as easy as just saying stop, think and breathe. Trust me, I have anxiety attacks about four to five time a week, ranging from crying to fainting. It’s all about trying to find ways to control it, finding ways that can help you in different situations.

I am still fearful of what tomorrow holds, but today I am grateful that I got to see my family. I am grateful that I got to spend Mother’s day with my mother who is alive and healthy. Today, I am grateful that I am loved.

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I’m tired.

I started this blog for two main reasons. One, being that I hope somehow, I will be able to help others through my painful journey. And two, to try and refrain from keeping my feelings and emotions inside of me.

I don’t enjoy allowing people to see the weak side of me, so I keep myself busy so I don’t show my weakness. However, this blog is to show my weak side. I have come to realize that keeping your weakness, locked up in a small, dark chamber in your heart, happens to be the most unhealthy thing that you could do. So tonight isn’t going to be encouraging, or happy and exciting. Tonight is going to be short, sad, and pessimistic.

Tonight I am tired. I’m tired of messing up. I’m tired of being scared of what my future holds. I’m tired of thinking I can’t get enough of the intimate moments, but then feeling alone and empty afterwards. I’m tired of helping everyone else, and not doing enough for me. I’m tired of trying to be strong for everyone else when I’m slowly falling apart inside. But most of all, I’m tired of not breathing.

I wish there was some sort of pause button, just to pause your current state of life just so that you can breathe even if it’s for a split second. Just to take a step back, asess, breathe and reconnect. But there isn’t, not in my life that is.

However, I know that what I’m feeling is just Temporary. I know that tomorrow, I will lay in bed. Put some Rainbow kitten surprise on and deal with my shit for yet another day.

I know that in the end, I will always be okay, I have been okay this far.

Take charge

I’m sitting here in my room, with my door closed. And I can still hear them. I can still hear my parents shouting from the other side of the house. Trying to sort things out, trying to make decisions that might better me in the future. But to be honest in the end it won’t better me in any way.

I haven’t had the easiest upbringing, and I’m currently having the easiest life either. However, amongst all this chaos, pain and breathlessness my sister told me something that stuck. She said, ” do what’s best for you”. Something I haven’t heard about in a while.

How can my parents be shouting, attempting to reach a consensus on my sister and my happiness in the future when I should be makibg that decision. If they won’t act like adults, then I need to. I need to take my life into my own hands.

I think that’s something that alot of souls struggle with, to Stand up to pur parents. Something we need to remember is that our parents, are humans before they are parents. Same goes for us, we are humans before we became someone someone’s child. What I mean by this is we have feelings and thoughts before we started being controlled by our parents. It’s a difficult situation to be in, but it needs to happen.

Don’t let them determine or make decisions on your behalf. In the end its you who knows what’s best for you.

OK.

Today I am struggling a little more than usual. My heart is sore. My eyes are swollen. And my body is tired.

But, I refuse to give up. I refuse to believe that this is it. That all this bad right now is happening to hurt me, or to break me. I refuse to let it. It’s making me stronger, even though i feek like it is, like I want to give up, like I want to cry so much that hopefully I won’t wake up. This. Can’t. Be. It.

There is one thing I learnt from this unconquerable mental disorder called depression, it’s that it is okay, not to be okay. I constantly feel afraid for people to see me when I’m not okay. “what if they think I’m weak, or broken”, I think. But what if someone wants to help you, how can they help you if they don’t know you are not okay? I believe I’m such strong person emotionally, mentally and physically but even the strongest need help sometimes.

I promised myself I would get help this year, and that I would work on me, afterall it’s twenty’mine’teen and we need to remember that we matter too. You are not being selfish if you put yourself first, you are showing how strong you truly are.

Note: ‘A cure for asthma is not,” just breath”. The cure for cancer is not just, ” stop growing those cells”. Similarly the cure for depression and anxiety is not just, “be happier and stop worrying”. These are not just phases of life for the weak-minded. These are real, serious chronic mental illnesses’.

– vangoghsdaughter.tumblr.com

Breath

“I no longer make room for people who won’t allow me to make room for myself. I am deserving of space that doenst come with resentment attached to it when I need it. I am deserving of hiatuses to recollect myself without it being held against me. I am allowed to breath” – Billy Chapata.

As someone who deals with anxiety on a daily basis, I feel that there are some instances where I feel undererving of breath. By breath I don’t mean the physical breath that blows out of your lungs. By breath, I mean life, happiness even.

I feel this sense of discomfort in my life when something good happens to me. This is purely because of all the pain and hardship I have had to deal with in my short life. However, when something good happens to a friend of mine or a family member, I become joyous. Because, deep down inside I feel that this person deserved what had happened to them. But no, not to me.

I couldn’t pin point this thought in my mind for a long time. Why did I believe that I was not deserving of happiness, or breath. Why did I believe that everyone else, other than myself deserved something good to happen to them.

This is purely because I allowed my pain and hardship in my past determine how I was allowed to feel. How I should feel. I felt that it was okay to be in a space where all I felt was pain, and just covering it up with a smile.

After almost 20 odd years, of feeling undeserving, valueless and unworthy, I decided that allowing my past to determine my future was only going to cause more pain.

Do not allow your hardship to blind you from what could go right in your life. Always remember, that you and I are deserving of breath.