Stop Pretending.

So I know I haven’t written in a while, I have just been our here pretending I’m okay. During this time I was even able to convince myself that I was okay, and that I’m happier and that everything is just dandy.

Well fuck. Guess who came knocking on my door tonight? Reality.

I think the worst thing that anyone can ever do, is pretend that they are okay. Stop showing the world that fake smile and start telling yourself the truth.

I am not okay. Not yesterday, not today and most definitely not tomorrow. But one day I will be, and I look forward to that point.

Long distance is hard. F*ck.

There is only a 58% success rate when it comes to long distance relationships. It said that the 4 month mark is seen as the hardest, most emotionally difficult month of all time. Most long distance couples say that it is the intimacy that they miss the most.

I am in the 4th month of my long distance relationship and fuck, it’s hard. For a long time I prayed and asked God just to bless me with the right guy. I have made so many mistakes with regards to relationships, and all I wanted was one person, that I wanted nothing else but love from. Guess what?…

God answered my prayers. He sent me a man that loves me for me. That doesn’t want me to change anything about me. He loves every single fault, every imperfection. He loves me, and that’s something I have never felt before. Not even by my own father. I on the other hand, love him just as much. Maybe even more.

You would think that having this intense, strong love for one another would make it easier. But it doesn’t. It will never get easier and I’m starting to realize this. However, just because it’s not going to get easier doesn’t mean you should give up. If that strong, intense love is there then why will you let a little diffifuly affect you.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. And that’s exactly what I intend to do with this relationship. The harder it gets, the more I’m going to remind him, how much I love him, and I know it will be reciprocated.

Don’t allow the difficult times to blind you from the love that you deserve. Remind each other of their worth to you, remind them of the times you have been able to spend time together.

If it’s worth it, it will all fall into place. I believe my relationship is worth it. This is me reminding you how much I love you, and how every time we are together we have these uncontrollable laughed. Never ending memories.

We will get through this, and everything else that comes our way.

What’s wrong with me.

Why is it that the minute something good comes into my life, or something good happens, I fuck it fuck up.

I have recently fallen deeply and completely inlove with someone. As cliché as it sounds, I have never felt this way before. It’s all going great, until I start over thinking. Wondering if after 4 days of not speaking to him, if he still feels the same.

I have noticed that I started speaking to him differently, not in the sense that I have fallen out of love. More of, how can he still like me. Therefore I am constantly holding back. I have never been loved so much by someone before, not even by my own parents. Now, that I have found someone who does I am struggling to fully put my heart out because my life has been a ball of dissapointments, so how could one person change this.

I know in my heart these issues are all arising from having a father who chose not to love me, and no I have this idea in my mind that everyone out there is somehow going to hurt me one day. How can one person make me feel so worthy and so deserving after having a life time of feeling that I’m not worth much, and deserving of anything. I don’t even know what to think or what to do anymore.

Gosh, what’s wrong with me?…

Dissapointment.

Dissapointment. What a strong, life changing word.

What is it about me that constantly causes people to think that I am disappointed in them. One thing I know about myself, is that I have an extremely strong personality. Which not everyone can get along with. However, I know for sure that I am the most loyal person I know.

Due to the fact that I have a strong personality I think people find it easier to be Mean or harsh because they have this assumption that I will be able to handle it. Well, I can’t.

I am a person just like you, and I have feelings – cliché I know.

To me the word dissapointment does not just mean to dissapoint someone. It means to break trust or the sense of loyalty that people have with me. It’s knowing that I am no longer reliable. It means that in times of troubles, you will remember this moment and not want to call me, but rather someone else.

Before you get to make the assumption that because I have a strong personality I can handle everything. Stop, and think. Because everyone has a breaking point.

And my breaking point lies in the word dissapointment.

When? Never.

I’m feeling trapped. Stuck. The worst part is, I’m not trapped in my own life. I’m trapped in everyone else’s but mine.

Everyone comes to me with their issues, their gossip, their negativity. But, before you ask, no. No, I can’t stay no. I can’t say stop. I can’t. I refuse to dissapoint my friends or my family.

Sure, maybe me feeling trapped is my own fault, but when do I get to be happy. When I do get to go to a friend and tell them how I am feeling? When can I go to a friend and tell them that I am no longer okay?

I guess as long as I have these friends and family members, I guess the answer to that will be, never.

Unknown

My whole family has decided to pack our shit and leave this poisonous place. For a long time, that’s all I ever wanted. But now, I’m not so sure anymore.

I get my BA degree at the end of the year, but the idea of us moving and starting a new life scares me. Do I continue my studies at an institution that I hate, an institution that has ripped my passion away from me, from my soul. Or do I do my own thing. So I start my own little photography and videography business. Or Do I stay in Durban. Start something here.

The anxiety that comes with this move is slowly catching up to me. Slowly making me scared. Because for 21 years I thought I was going in the right direction. Now, I just realised that after 21 years I have nothing to show for myself.

So what do I want to do. I us to get into a bus, car or a plane and I want us to take our cameras and dissappear. I want to get away from the pressures that come with having a supportive family. Just for a while, until I have figured everything out. What happens if I don’t figure anything out?

Well, I don’t know.

I will worry about it then.

Do not let it paralyse you.

I try and encourage others as much as I can, because I learn from what I do. Tonight, I lay in bed tearful. My heart is beating fast, I’m a little shaky. I have shortness in breath and my mind is all over the place. I feel like I’m stuck in my own life. I feel unhappy even though my life isn’t all that bad. I feel as if I can’t move, I feel paralysed. There is one thing I know for sure, is that I never want anyone to feel like this, yet there are so many that do.

Anxiety is caused by living too much in the future, and not enough in the now. I encourage people with anxiety disorder, in moments where you feel lost, stuck or even paralysed with all the fear running through your mind. Stop and breathe (easier done than said, I know). In that moment, think about all the good things that went right in your day, and for a moment forget about the amount of work you have, or about what college you going to go to, or whether your relationship will work or not. Just stop, and think about all the good that happened in the past 24 hours, and then 48 hours, and then the past week and the past month. Find gratitude in God, a high power or even the universe for the good. I find that thinking about the positive things for a while, can break the gab of feeling paralysed to being able to think straight again.

Once you have separated yourself from the fear for a while, try a breathing exercise. I have specific breathing exercises that help me. One is that I lay flat on the floor for a while. Focusing on my breathing and the way the air enters my body and how it leaves my body. I then move into a yoga position called the child’s pose. And I lay in that position for about 10 mins sometimes even longer. To lower my heart rate and slow my breathing. From there I think about what the next step is, and how I’m going to try and sort this issue out.

I know anxiety isn’t as easy as just saying stop, think and breathe. Trust me, I have anxiety attacks about four to five time a week, ranging from crying to fainting. It’s all about trying to find ways to control it, finding ways that can help you in different situations.

I am still fearful of what tomorrow holds, but today I am grateful that I got to see my family. I am grateful that I got to spend Mother’s day with my mother who is alive and healthy. Today, I am grateful that I am loved.

I’m tired.

I started this blog for two main reasons. One, being that I hope somehow, I will be able to help others through my painful journey. And two, to try and refrain from keeping my feelings and emotions inside of me.

I don’t enjoy allowing people to see the weak side of me, so I keep myself busy so I don’t show my weakness. However, this blog is to show my weak side. I have come to realize that keeping your weakness, locked up in a small, dark chamber in your heart, happens to be the most unhealthy thing that you could do. So tonight isn’t going to be encouraging, or happy and exciting. Tonight is going to be short, sad, and pessimistic.

Tonight I am tired. I’m tired of messing up. I’m tired of being scared of what my future holds. I’m tired of thinking I can’t get enough of the intimate moments, but then feeling alone and empty afterwards. I’m tired of helping everyone else, and not doing enough for me. I’m tired of trying to be strong for everyone else when I’m slowly falling apart inside. But most of all, I’m tired of not breathing.

I wish there was some sort of pause button, just to pause your current state of life just so that you can breathe even if it’s for a split second. Just to take a step back, asess, breathe and reconnect. But there isn’t, not in my life that is.

However, I know that what I’m feeling is just Temporary. I know that tomorrow, I will lay in bed. Put some Rainbow kitten surprise on and deal with my shit for yet another day.

I know that in the end, I will always be okay, I have been okay this far.

Take charge

I’m sitting here in my room, with my door closed. And I can still hear them. I can still hear my parents shouting from the other side of the house. Trying to sort things out, trying to make decisions that might better me in the future. But to be honest in the end it won’t better me in any way.

I haven’t had the easiest upbringing, and I’m currently having the easiest life either. However, amongst all this chaos, pain and breathlessness my sister told me something that stuck. She said, ” do what’s best for you”. Something I haven’t heard about in a while.

How can my parents be shouting, attempting to reach a consensus on my sister and my happiness in the future when I should be makibg that decision. If they won’t act like adults, then I need to. I need to take my life into my own hands.

I think that’s something that alot of souls struggle with, to Stand up to pur parents. Something we need to remember is that our parents, are humans before they are parents. Same goes for us, we are humans before we became someone someone’s child. What I mean by this is we have feelings and thoughts before we started being controlled by our parents. It’s a difficult situation to be in, but it needs to happen.

Don’t let them determine or make decisions on your behalf. In the end its you who knows what’s best for you.

OK.

Today I am struggling a little more than usual. My heart is sore. My eyes are swollen. And my body is tired.

But, I refuse to give up. I refuse to believe that this is it. That all this bad right now is happening to hurt me, or to break me. I refuse to let it. It’s making me stronger, even though i feek like it is, like I want to give up, like I want to cry so much that hopefully I won’t wake up. This. Can’t. Be. It.

There is one thing I learnt from this unconquerable mental disorder called depression, it’s that it is okay, not to be okay. I constantly feel afraid for people to see me when I’m not okay. “what if they think I’m weak, or broken”, I think. But what if someone wants to help you, how can they help you if they don’t know you are not okay? I believe I’m such strong person emotionally, mentally and physically but even the strongest need help sometimes.

I promised myself I would get help this year, and that I would work on me, afterall it’s twenty’mine’teen and we need to remember that we matter too. You are not being selfish if you put yourself first, you are showing how strong you truly are.

Note: ‘A cure for asthma is not,” just breath”. The cure for cancer is not just, ” stop growing those cells”. Similarly the cure for depression and anxiety is not just, “be happier and stop worrying”. These are not just phases of life for the weak-minded. These are real, serious chronic mental illnesses’.

– vangoghsdaughter.tumblr.com